The flip side: guys and girls swap roles at the bar
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20 Ways To Actually Meet A Man! - Sarcastic dating tips for the ladies
A reader named Liz sent me a fascinating Cosmopolitan article called “20 Fun, Fearless Ideas To Help You Meet A Man.” This article was very useful to me because I need Cosmo’s help in all sorts of ways. I wouldn’t even know how to go to the bathroom or brush my teeth without Cosmo. I’d wear my booties with the wrong dress! I’d never find anybody! Anyway, tonight I’m taking these tips out for a spin, armed with low cut shirts and my trusty friend Amanda. One of those tips is to “order two different drinks at the bar…take one over to a cute guy and tell him the bartender messed up your order.” Which is sort of like bribery, and something I’m definitely not doing because I barely have enough money to fund my own drinking. Also, I don’t want to insult the intelligence of some random bartender who did nothing wrong! The service industry is hard enough! Anyway, I’ll report on those tomorrow. Tonight, I will write my own ways I think are good for meeting a man (or woman..dammit Cosmo, when will your stupid little mind expand):
1. Steal his wallet: When at a bar, grab the first cute guy’s butt you see and swipe his wallet. Take twenty dollars from it. Approach man and say “you dropped this.” Give it back to him. Buy him a drink..with his own money! Chivalry isn’t dead, after all.
2. Go to the grocery store: Wait behind a large display of fruit that is rollable, like apples or oranges. When you spot a hot guy, push the fruit pile towards him, then sprint around the display and push him out of the way! You have saved his life. Hold a piece of fruit towards his forever grateful face and say something cute like “should’ve had V8!” Laugh maniacally. Get engaged.
3. Meet at the park: When you see a cute guy playing football or frisbee with his friends, wait till the ball gets thrown in your direction. When you return it, first find a large menacing dog. Tease him with the ball. Throw the ball back. Set the dog free. When he is inches away from death, take the raw steak you have kept in your purse and distract the dog with it.
4. Trip him. Until he learns.
5. Go to a sports bar. Find a guy you like, and ask him what team he roots for. When the guy reveals his answer, beat somebody from the opposite team senselessly with a bar stool. Look at him deadpan and whisper ‘anything for love.’
6. Follow a man home and hide under his bed until he’s fast asleep. When you are sure he won’t wake up repeat “You will love your name and address here for the rest of your life” until it is dawn and you climb cat-like out of his window. Call your mother, you’ve met the one.
7. Buy fifty or so hamsters: Make sure they are robotic but covered in life-like hair, so as to fool everybody. Let them out in a crowded bar. Scream “my babies! my babies!” Whoever rescues the most is worthy of your eternal love.
8. Go up to somebody you find interesting. Make sure this man is not sporting too much visible chest hair or isn’t slapping women’s asses. Talk to him. Decline a drink because if you don’t like him, you don’t have to hang out with him. Make sure you’re not that drunk. Talk and see what happens.
9. Enter the nearest coffee shop. Have an interesting book that makes you seem well-read. Try The Girl With The Dragon Tramp Stamp. When you see somebody you find interesting, open the book and pretend you are reading it, but really just stare at him. Laugh loudly at funny parts. Nod at smart parts. Look horrified. If he doesn’t look up and begin an intelligent conversation, throw hot coffee on him and yell “you broke my heart!”
10. Wear a shirt that says “I <3 Fatal Attraction.” Go to Wall Street bars and flirt with married men. Wear a necklace of butcher knives and faux rabbit feet. Tell him they are real.
11. Drink a lot of colorful martinis like “Caketinis” and “Pieopolitans” until you are good and boozy. Go up to some random dude and make out with his face. This is exactly how Julia Stiles’ snagged a man in The Prince and Me or whatever that movie about doing it with royalty was called.
12. Go up to somebody and ask them “Are you David?” When he says no, look embarrassed and say “Of course you can’t be. He’s chained in my basement!” Buy him a muffin, see where it goes.
13. Bring a camera and snap a photo of a person you’re interested in. A while later, tap him on the shoulder and ask to speak to him privately. Show him the picture. Tell him ” I’ve been sent by an elite underground crime ring to murder you. But I’m really working with the CIA. Come with me if you want to live.” He’ll love that you quoted a little bit of The Terminator! And he’ll think he’s special enough to be murdered!
14. Buy a cop uniform at your local Party City and plant a hefty amount of heroin in his pocket. Bust him, and then reveal the truth after you’ve put him in your car! Go out to a cool dive bar with the best live music.
15. Ask him if he wants to hear a story. When he says yes or no, start describing the plot of Fool’s Gold in great detail.
16. Go to an art museum. Ask him if he’d like to take place in the biggest art heist this country’s ever seen. Wear all black so he knows you’re serious.
17. Gather 20 men you meet at a bar and make them wear tuxedos. Ask them to battle over your love in a series of rock climbing dates and rose ceremonies.
18. The Sixth Sense: Tell a man you can see dead people and make him intrigued enough to follow you around. Keep him in the dark about a very important secret regarding him and ‘being alive.’
19. The Sleepless in Seattle: Fall in love with a man across the country because you heard him on the radio. Interact with his child through a series of letters. Meet Tom Hanks on a monument.
20. The You’ve Got Mail: Fall in love with a man through the internet because you have AOL. Interact with him through a series of emails. Meet Tom Hanks in a park.
The ultimate way to get the closure you deserve [celeb edition]
Chris Rock Curses Out Your Ex
How much would you pay for Chris Rock to call up and call out your dirtbag ex?
Night of Too Many Stars premieres tonight on Comedy Central to support autism education.
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