This was back in college, I had just turned 19 and I finally got around to asking out this girl in my British Literature Before 1800 class [I can’t remember her name, something slutty like Amber]. I took her to Red Lobster [I got her the shrimp basket, baby]. The strangeness starts with her on her phone the *entire* duration of our date, texting her friend “This is my date,” “He’s so cute,” “He just said the cutest thing,” Taking photos of me & sending it to everyone she knows… I, naturally, found this irritating. So I snatched her phone from her hands across the table & put it in the back pocket of my blue jeans [Thinking that she wouldn’t go there]. Well, she did [Did I mention we’re seated smack dab in the center of the restaurant?], everyone was staring at her trying to grab my ass in an attempt to retrieve her mobile phone. Eventually she stopped and we had a lovely rest of dinner.
I take her back to my suite, first thing I see when I open the door: My roommate and his friends [And some of mine] making a Funky Monkey [That’s when you take any kind of alcohol you have in the place, whether it be beer, tequila, rum, etc. and mix it all up regardless]. They just poured it all in our waste bin [It tasted a little like garbage too…] and threw in lemons and limes [They didn’t bother to cut them up to release the juices either :\] and mixed it up with my brotherhood paddle [I got hell for that]. I consumed about four blue plastic cups-full of that, and “I can’t remember her name, something slutty like Amber” had maybe… mmm… Not even a quarter of a cup. She then whispers to my ear “I really want to!” I then take her to my room and have managed to strip down to my underwear in 3.2 seconds. She walked towards me in the bed. I passed out.
I woke up. Alone. In my bed with only boxers on, thought process going “Did I have sex last night?” It was around 10:20 am and I was late for my second class [Missed my first]. Clothes on, teeth brushed, keys grabbed, drove to class. While driving, my ass starts vibrating. HER PHONE WAS STILL IN MY BACK POCKET. I answer, sure enough it was her. “Hey I know you have Poly Sci this afternoon, can I pick my phone up after your class?”
I get out of class, she was waiting for me at [redacted]. Conversation as goes:
“I can’t remember her name, something slutty like Amber”: “Thanks.”
[redacted]: “Sure. Hey, by the way, did we hook up?”
“I can’t remember her name, something slutty like Amber”: “Yeah. But you fell asleep.”
[redacted]: “What? WHAT?! I fell asleep during sex, oh my god, i’m so SO sorry, that’s never happened to me before, that’s never happened to me before!”
“I can’t remember her name, something slutty like Amber”: “…No. You fell asleep before.”
“I can’t remember her name, something slutty like Amber”: “You blacked out before we hooked up.”
“I can’t remember her name, something slutty like Amber”: “…”
[redacted]: “So, hold up… I was asleep… And you did stuff to me?”
“I can’t remember her name, something slutty like Amber”: “Yeah.”
Date rape is a serious and unfathomable offense. To women. But to men…
Personally I think there are other ways to re-establish yourself besides performing entirely unnecessary studs up lovetaps. But it seems that Patrick Vieira is choosing the the Robbie Fowler-esque route of brutal violence to intimidate his opponents. Not exactly the “fair play” route, but I…
Time to read joke: 20secs. Time to study engineering degree: 3-4 years. Time to realise why this joke is so accurate: ∞
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted.”
Somehow the other night my TV ended up on a romantic comedy, “The Wedding Planner”. Since there was no football on I decided against raising the argument to my wife that using a 1080p television to watch this was an improper use of resources and should be banned by law. Since there was nothing else to do I decided to watch it with her in an effort to bank some “marriage points”.
The storyline is roughly the same as in every other movie of this genre. A man is engaged to a woman (fiancée), man meets another women (suitor), man must decide which one he loves, yada yada yada. As I watched I realized that this could never happen in real life because the only considerations that the male takes into account are on an emotional/physical level but neglect to take into account any monetary analysis of the decision.
As I began to think about this I came up with a few economic impacts that the character, who will also be referred to as the chooser, should considered in the potential choosing of a partner.
I made the assumptions that both courtship periods would last 3 years with an average net expenditure of $10,000/year on the part of the chooser. In year 4 the net expenditure goes to $20,000 to account for the social protocol of marriage, i.e. engagement ring, parties, and gifts. These are considered the net investment before a return is seen. The investment in the fiancée rolls over into the suitor investment since it is assumed that the suitor would not be considered if not for the investment into the fiancée.
The return is considered to be 20% of the partner’s salary and the other 80% is assumed to be used to cover the expenditures brought in by the partner and are of equal benefit to both Chooser and partner.
Year 1 starts at the beginning of the courtship of the fiancée. The analysis is looked at over a 25 year period and divorce is considered an inherent risk and is not accounted for in any of the analysis. Life expectancy is assumed to be greater than 25 years, however it is recognized that it should be considered in some cases (see Michael Douglas/Catherine Zeta Jones).
(Side Note: The charts use the male tense of fiancé while the discussion references the female tense; this was done because it is an illogical to assume male and female roles.)
Monetary Equality- This analysis assumes all monetary values are the same and that the fiancée and the suitor will be making the same income ($45,000) in year 1 and will receive an average pay raise of 5% per year.
Choosing the suitor in this case will yield a net loss of $97,033 over the 25 year period and has a payback of 14.5 years.
Choosing the fiancé has a payback of 8 years and a 400% better ROI than choosing the suitor.
This case shows that for the suitor to be the logical choice they must provide the equivalent of $97,033 of non-monetary benefit to the relationship to be of equal value to the fiancé.
Suitor Financial Benefit- In this case the suitor provides a greater financial benefit than the fiancé
In order for the suitor to have an equal benefit as the fiancée, the suitor must have an income that is $12,775 greater than the fiancée in year 1 or $17,976 by year 8.
Payback for the suitor is reduced to 13 years with the additional income. The ROI of the suitor increases by ~90% in this scenario.
The Monetary Equality analysis showed that the fiancée provided a 400% better return than the suitor. In order for the suitor to have a ROI 400% higher than the fiancée the suitor would have to have a income of $154,801 in year 1 and a income of $499,249 by year 25.
Matthew McConaughey (chooser) should only choose Jennifer Lopez (suitor) if there is a non-monetary benefit greater than $97,033 or she has an income $12,775 greater than Bridgette Wilson (fiancee) in year 1, or $17,976 by year 8. The gap in income only becomes greater as Bridgette’s income increases or J’Lo’s decreases.
I should also quit watching romantic comedies since I got no marriage points. Maybe someone else can benefit from my wasted time.
“You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don’t make money your goal. Instead pursue the things you love doing and then do them so well that people can’t take their eyes off of you.”—Maya Angelou (via kari-shma) (via quote-book)
“Your goal in dressing for an interview should be to convey that you care about the opportunity, and that you’re willing to be part of the team. You should dress conservatively, without ostentation, and err on the side of formality.”
Today, I went on a blind date with a girl I met online. I lied to her that I was single, and she told me she is single too. I immediately knew she was lying when I saw her. Why? Because she is my girlfriend. We broke up. FML